Set A: If parents are too involved, how can we help them realize that a micro-managed child isn’t prepared to thrive as an adult? How can we, as teachers, better prepare students to thrive as adults? How can we help parents understand that we are acting in their children’s best interest?
Set B: What is the role of culture-based and place-based learning in your Texas? The author argues that our goal in language arts should be to foster a love of language in our students and start with what engages the child. How would you view a school that prioritized hip-hop over Shakespeare?
Trying to show parents that they are too involved in their child’s life can be a tricky situation. First, teachers that don’t do conflict aren’t really as good at tackling this issue in a parent meeting as people who don’t mind discourse. Some people are good at wording things that might not be welcome at first, and then remaining calm during discussions with parents who don’t like what they are hearing. But some people are not. Sometimes it takes someone outside of the family unit to point out the benefits of allowing a child to “fail”. I was really interested in Mrs. Von Duyke’s take on how she was curious to see how her son fared after he dropped out of college. Her son even commented that parents can rob their children of self discovery if they step in to rescue them from life’s struggles. I agree, as hard as it may be for a parent to do so. One of the things I do in my personal finance class is talk to my students about their responsibilities as adults, and how their parents do not owe them a car, or a college education, or even a phone. I talk to them about their own responsibility to themselves and goals and intrinsic motivation. I know these conversations at least open up their minds a little bit, but this type of thinking should come from lots of different sources throughout a student’s career.
I think the first step to helping a parent who is micro-managing a child is to understand their motivation. Helicopter parents and those with control issues believe they are doing what is best for their child. They believe that their job is to be involved and to help their child succeed. Their motivations are noble. When I encounter a parent who contacts me about an issue with their student, I will address the issue with the student first – when appropriate. I hope this rerouting of the conversation gives the parent the message that the working relationship between me and their child is one that is best supported by communication between the two of us. When parents request conferences, I ask to include the student. Parents don’t get to see their child in action and may not even be aware that they are able to navigate difficult situations fairly well. When we all participate in a conversation, their ideas about their child’s abilities to handle their own dilemmas often shift. I also think that these group interactions are a time for parents to see that you care about their child. Parents who are hyper-involved and hyper-defensive about their kids are dealing with an over-active “mama bear” or “papa bear” gene. When they see that you are on their side and share the hopes that they have for their child, it goes a long way in gaining their support. When that is not he case, I sincerely feel bad for the parents. I will work with their child for a year and try to help the student learn and grow. It may be a bumpy ride, but I am on the ride for a year. A parent will be on the ride with that child long after I am out of the picture. I enjoyed the story that Dintersmith shared about Brian Sowards and his mother Katherine Von Duyke. The freedom she offered him to guide his own education was a story of bravery. It’s scary to give someone else control over decisions that will have an impact on their entire life. Parents, and teachers, who feel the need to completely control the decisions of their children and students are trying to avoid failure and defeat and life-long implications. Those are the exact things that teach us our clearest lessons. As a teacher, I like control. It helps me put check marks in boxes. I can be sure that things are getting done and skills are being mastered. The achievement gap that Dintersmith discusses might be a better place for me to direct my energies. Giving students guidelines, encouragement, and independence, as pointed out in the book, goes a long way in helping students who don’t get that at home. For those micro-managed kids, leaving decisions up to them more often will help close their learning gaps as well. They are often the most uncomfortable with being given freedom and choice. They are more accustomed to someone else doing the decision making and they do what is expected of them. When expectations are expanded into guidelines, they may struggle. I had a personal experience with this during my summer. I sent my daughter to mail a package. The package was a return item, and we needed to insure it and track it. She panicked because she had never mailed a package before. She was thrilled when the post office lobby was closed. I told her to go to the closest FedEx location. I gave her a pep talk and a price limit and didn’t answer my phone after that. I started to think about all of the things I do for her – too many. Her senior year is going to be filled with all sorts of real-world errands and jobs. It’s not that she will be called upon to mail packages that often, but the skills required to mail a package are important. She needs to be able to go new places without knowing exactly what the experience will entail. She needs to be able to accept that she won’t always know exactly what is required to complete a task. She needs that uncertainty. It’s how adults live. I hope to create situations in which my students can experience these real-world feelings as well. I recently attended a workshop based on the ideas of Penny Kittle and Kelly Gallagher. They focus on choice and independence in the English classroom. I am looking forward to implementing many of the ideas from this training!
What is the role of culture-based and place-based learning in your Texas? The author argues that our goal in language arts should be to foster a love of language in our students and start with what engages the child. How would you view a school that prioritized hip-hop over Shakespeare?
I love your story! It is amazing to me how far kids have come away from not doing things for themselves. I lost count of how many times I had to look a parent in the eye and say, “What your child did was a bone-headed thing to do. But that does not make your kid a bonehead. They are kids, doing stupid stuff is normal. I’d be more worried if they never did stupid stuff! I am not judging you on the goofy stuff your kid tries to get away with. What matters is how you react and respond. If you make excuses or try to rescue them, they are only going to continue doing these things. So how can I support you here in making sure we hold them accountable for this?” I think parents feel this crazy pressure for their kids to be perfect, lest it reflect poorly on them. Then they do things to exacerbate it until they give up, then the behavior spirals…it can be exhausting. Obviously, this applies to a small percentage…but it seems to be getting more common. Or I am getting less tolerant of it 😉
I’m answering set A. I think the key to helping parents realize that a micro-managed child isn’t best prepared to thrive as an adult is to communicate expectations early with the students, the parents and the administration. I am reminded of a discussion I had with a physics teacher who told me she was giving projects to students that were more open ended (such as build a car that uses a rubber band to travel 15 or more tiles of the classroom, but with no set instructions of how to do this) She told me she was getting emails from angry parents and students concerned about failing grades and lowered GPAs. However, she had the support of her principal and explained that part of her goal was to create students who could problem solve. By the 2nd semester she saw more engaged students and fewer issues with the parents. Also, I think using a digital portfolio to show the parents and the students the growth that is occurring in the classroom.
I could not agree more! My husband is a fire chief. His firefighters have a healthy starting salary and are tasked with saving lives. But he has parents…of grown men…calling or coming to his office to argue or advocate for their child. I have so many more thoughts on this, but yes, they are not doing any favors for their students!